“ I ” Statement’s important 运用“我需要”语言的重要性
Introduction
When our relationship has been soured by misunderstandings, distrust and hurt feelings, it's hard to communicate with each other effectively. Tools are needed to help rebuild trust and cooperation with our partner. One of the most basic and important skills for open, non-defensive and positive communication is the “I-Statement.” It sounds easy, but it is actually tough to really master, so practice and patience (with yourself and your partner) is needed. I-Statements not only help us communicate clearly, they help us feel more secure with ourselves and with others at home, work, school, socially, and even in day-to-day interactions.
Being able to identify, develop and effectively use I-Statements is also a part of what is sometimes called Assertive Communication. Assertive Communication is a way of communicating (and being) which is neither meek and passive nor demanding and aggressive – it is simply a way of knowing, respecting and expressing yourself appropriately in a given situation.
序言：
当我们的关系因误解、不信任和伤害而恶化时，我们很难有效地沟通。我们需要其他的工具语言来帮助重建与他人的信任与合作。最基本的是开放、非防御性和积极的沟通方式是最基本和最重要的技能之一是“自我陈述”“ 我需要“。这听起来很简单，但实际上很难掌握，所以(对你自己和你的伴侣)需要练习和耐心。自我陈述不仅能帮助我们清晰地沟通，还能让我们在家里、工作场所、学校、社交场合，甚至在日常交往中，对自己和他人都更有安全感。能够识别、发展和有效地使用自我陈述也是有时被称为自信沟通的一部分。自信的沟通是一种沟通(和存在)的方式，既不是温顺和被动，也不是要求和侵略性-它只是一种在特定情况下适当地了解，尊重和表达自己的方式。
What are I-Statements and You-Statements?
I-Statements give our partner information about us, and they do it in a way that's far less threatening than the alternative: You-Statements. They form the bedrock for cooperation because they connect people, build trust, and create healthier, more open and honest relationships. I-Statements and You-Statements trigger predictable responses from others, time after time.
Let's try an experiment. Here's a list of You-Statements. Imagine that your partner is saying them to you. What kind of emotional responses bubble up inside of you as you hear them?
什么是“ 我需要” 与“ 你是。。”语言 的不同
“自我陈述”“ 我需要” 是向我们的伴侣提供关于我们的信息，而且它们以一种远没有“自我陈述”那么具有威胁性的方式提供信息。它们是合作的基石，因为它们将人们联系起来，建立信任，并创造更健康、更开放和更诚实的关系。我的陈述和你的陈述一次又一次地引发他人的反应。
让我们来探讨一下“ 你是” 语言的例子，我建议您想象一下您的感受当您听到他人对您说这样的语言。
• You’re crazy…
• You should be ashamed…
• You’re just angry all the time…
• You always say that…
• You just want your own way….
• You never answer….
• You’re not listening…
• You don’t know…
• You are smarter than that…
• You can perfect…
• You could do better…
Chances are you felt uneasy, resistant, ashamed, distrustful and/or guilty. Feelings like these aren't good building blocks for mutual respect and cooperation. Even the compliments may have made you suspicious (more on that in a minute).
你可能会感到不安、抗拒、羞愧、不信任和/或内疚。这样的感觉并不是相互尊重和合作的良好基石。即使是赞美也会让你产生怀疑(稍后会详细介绍)。
You-Statements create defensiveness and emotional resistance.
In extreme cases, our partner feels so emotionally unsafe that he or she just shuts down like a nuclear power plant during a meltdown. At that point our partner won't hear another word we're saying. No progress is possible until the emotional meltdown has been contained, the nuclear emergency is over, and our partner once again feels safe.
在极端情况下，我们的伴侣在情感上感到如此不安全，以至于他或她就像核电站在熔毁时关闭了一样。到那时，我们的搭档就再也听不到我们说的任何话了。除非情绪崩溃得到控制，核危机结束，我们的伴侣再次感到安全，否则不可能有任何进展。
Our emotional response to I-Statements is radically different. Here's a list of I-Statements. Imagine that your partner is saying them to you. What emotional responses do you have this time?
我们对自我陈述的情绪反应是完全不同的。以下是我的陈述。想象一下你的伴侣正在对你说这些话。这次你有什么情绪反应?
• I feel happy.
• I’m frustrated but I’m not sure why.
• I’m not comfortable doing that.
• I’m furious.
• I feel confident.
• I feel very insecure.
• I’m feeling unworthy.
• I’m too afraid.
• I want you.
• I love you.
Chances are you felt more connected to your family members and more empathy for them. Even if you didn't want to hear what your family members had to say, it was probably much less threatening than it would have been in its You-Statement version. For example, "I feel insecure" feels better than "You are just mean," and we get less defensive when we hear "I'm furious" than "You're an idiot." I-Statements connect people. Even in the most emotionally charged situations, they help us stay more connected (even to ourselves) than we would otherwise.
你可能会觉得自己与家人的联系更紧密，对他们更感同身受。即使你不想听你的家人说什么，它也可能比它在你的陈述版本中要少得多的威胁。例如，“我觉得没有安全感”比“你太刻薄了”感觉好，当我们听到“我很生气”比听到“你是个白痴”时，我们的防御意识会减弱。i - statement将人们联系在一起。即使在最情绪化的情况下，它们也能帮助我们保持更紧密的联系(甚至与我们自己)。
I-Statements make us stop and identify our own responses to our environment.
This sounds simple, but it is far more than changing around our sentences. Especially in conflict or under stress, we often tend to focus on the faults of others or how they are failing us, rather than on identifying our own deepest feelings and needs.
I-Statements require healthy self-disclosure and self-disclosure requires vulnerability. If you are actually fighting in a war, or defending yourself from a rabid bear, or competing in a chess match, showing vulnerability may not be prudent. However, in working to re-build or strengthen a relationship with a partner, knowing and sharing our true selves in the moment is probably the most effective measure for reducing relationship conflict and strife.
It is also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment. I-Statements de-fuse rather than fuel arguments. It's easier to stop arguing and begin a discussion when both people are using I-Statements; it's very difficult to stop an argument when both people are using You-Statements. So let’s try to practice “ I “ statement start today!
这听起来很简单，但它远不止在我们的句子周围改变。特别是在冲突或压力下，我们往往倾向于关注别人的错误或他们如何让我们失望，而不是识别我们自己最深处的感受和需求。陈述需要健康的自我表露，而自我表露需要脆弱。如果你真的在打仗，或者是在保护自己不受疯熊的攻击，或者是在一场国际象棋比赛中，表现出脆弱可能是不明智的。然而，在努力重建或加强与伴侣的关系时，了解和分享当下的真实自我可能是减少关系冲突和冲突的最有效措施。当我们使用自我陈述时，也很难责怪别人。它们迫使我们为自己的想法和感受负责，从而保护他人免受我们的指责、内疚和评判。陈述能化解争论，而不是激化争论。当双方都使用自我陈述时，更容易停止争论并开始讨论;当两个人都在使用u型陈述时，要想停止争吵是非常困难的。所以让我们从今天开始练习“我”吧!
Adapted in part from The Human Potential Center